People call it 'Sweet 16'. But that is an ironical phrase.Teenage is one of the most difficult periods of all ages. Being like the Cat-on-the-wall, exploring the difference between the good & the bad; knowing what responsibilities are; making some of the toughest decisions & choices. Adding to all these, the Vibrations, Crushes, Attractions... I am very glad that I have crossed my teenage. To have crossed those confusing 8 years, I breathe a sigh of relief. Thanks to my sisters to have shown me the right way! Although school saw the beginning of Attractions, college tempted every one of us to the worst verge. Some even fell for it. They say "Life is Short. So, live it to the fullest!" & get commited. But it doesn't make sense all the time, does it?
They call it as "Love". But are you sure? Are you sure you have the Maturity to make such decisions? Are you sure that this person you chose is the "ONE" i.e., the one with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life with? Are you sure that your future is in the hands of this person whom you met a few months or a year before? Are you sure you want to share your deepest feelings with this person? Are you sure what you are entitling yourself to? These are the basic questions I would want to ask those who are getting into a "Committed" college life!
Most of these "Committed" situations arise due to the misinterpretation of words. There are marked differences between : Attraction, Admiration, Crush, Vibration & Love!!
Confusions arise when you don't know the differences between these various close feelings.
In most of the cases, as an idea of having 'fun', common friends start teasing a guy & a girl who are good close friends; then they get confused & finally end up confusing the status of their relationship. Mostly, the liking that one has over the other can be defined easily:
Attraction: This is the first confusion status. Good & smart appearance, behaviour, silent character/talkativeness & other habits tend to just attract you. This leads to admiration. Generally, the habits that you don't have attracts you to him/her. Attraction is mostly the culprit to confuse people.Admiration: This happens when those qualities you don't have & wish you had, are possessed by that person. You actually admire that quality in them & tend to confuse that to ardence. Admiration is a mere expression of 'awe' mostly misread by the friends around.
Vibrations: This is just the next level of attraction. Its a slightly intense feeling of likliness, because of what they are. Just like good, better, best --> Attraction, Vibrations, Crush. It's like the Vibrations you have when you see Tom Cruise or Katrina Kaif. When the same feel comes on a guy/girl sitting next to you, it is redefined wrongly as "Love".
Crush: This is the simple word for "Head Over Heels" idiom. Just like how we go crazy, looking at a few celebrities; a crush on a person makes you do things you have never done before. It makes you go crazy & blinds you into doing something stupid, just to make your crush focus on you! This is a very common act that people get strangled to. When your close friends find you doing something like that, they declare you to have fallen in 'love'. A crush should never be the driving factor deciding your future spouse.Love is what people call to be an ineffable feeling that you get when you care for someone out of pure affection & attachment. In Indian Family culture, it is what that develops out of the bond that entangles people. Like loving our mother, father & others due to our bonds with them.
We tend to confuse all the above levels of 'liking' somebody to 'loving' them.
In college, people even have changed & compromised their future plans just because of their 'Commitment'. Why do people want to fall into that pit so early? Why are people not looking into Life beyond? How many amongst these 'couples' in college would have thought about their family's reputation, current financial status? How many would have thought if this guy/girl fits in the family or not? Why do you think Indian Tradition veto-ed Arranged Marriage? Why should we get into such a responsibility soon? Having a Boy Friend or Girl Friend has become the fashion of the age! Call me Old-Fashioned. I don't care. But I still believe that the old traditions had some reason behind a few restrictions! Having brought us up for Twenty-plus years, don't you think parents will be wise enough to give you the right choices? They would look into factors you would have never thought to get you into the right family. If you want to get into a Sparky Love Marriage, why don't you wait till you enter your mid-twenties to decide on the 'Spouse Factor'. May be at that age, being out of all the 'Likings', you would be clear & mature enough to decide.
It is such a sensitive & important factor that your future, sometimes even your career, depend upon. The moral support of the family & spouse always is necessary throughout life!!
Why are people hustling up to get into that pitfall. Westernisation is followed in this part of the Culture unnecessarily, but never to learn to behave. Why aren't people learning the "Manners" of the westerners rather than their Dating Culture!
I sometimes even find a few girls/guys being controlled in the name of 'Care' by their 'Committed' counter-parts. It marks a funny note in a few cases: Being 6 months older makes a Guy more responsible than the girl!:D !
Friendship without commitment is fine! But why to get into this trap?
To get 'Committed' is suicidal! Yet, people fall into the same pit!?! When are they ever going to learn? After falling into it & getting hurt? Hopefully before that! & I also pray that my friends who swore to stay together forever, DO keep their word! If not, I pray that they get the Will-Power to overcome their Disappointments!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a long comment here.
ReplyDeleteThen decided to delete it, and then http://yuvi.in/blog/attraction-or-admiration.html
This is one awesum post. I have a few small dis-agreeing points. But as a whole it's nice told!
ReplyDelete"Having brought us up for Twenty-plus years, don't you think parents will be wise enough to give you the right choices?"
ReplyDeleteI see it differently. Having raised us for 20 odd years, shouldn't they be confident enough about us to know that we would choose correctly?
A parents role changes as the kid grows up. Initially when one is a baby, parents make the choices. As the kid grows up, the parent should make the kid understand the entire situation and HELP the kid make the choice...not make it for them.
A lot of times, parents and people think more about what others (read : extended family, society) are going to say/think rather than whether it is actually a good thing for their child or not.
I am not anti-parent or anything. This is all derived from stuff I have seen in life, happening to friends around me.
Actually people don't want to wait because of the sex and hormones jumping part..
ReplyDelete@Thor: Agreed! But: "...wise enough to GIVE you the right choices..." was what I said. Its like YOU make the choice out of your parent's suggestions.
ReplyDeleteI am not an Anti-Love-marriage wierdo...I am just against commitments at adolescence.
Also, after Marriage your parents & family still have to get along with you & your spouse, right? If they suggest a guy/girl, then it is most likely that they are comfortable with him/her. If you really care about your parent's future relationship with your spouse, you would opt to be careful at making this decision.
Like I said, make your own choice...but wait till your mid-twenties & be sure of that choice.
@Thor yes exactly!
ReplyDelete""I see it differently. Having raised us for 20 odd years, shouldn't they be confident enough about us to know that we would choose correctly""
if their confidence is right you shouldn't fall into that pit of commitment, even before you have started your *life* - at 20. As far i understood, this post is not against love-marriage or freedom that parents give to their children. This is all about student's immaturity! I think, no model/confident parent is going to reject your girl, if you choose her after living your own *life* in mid or late twenties :)
i wont agree with many pts said over here. overall d advice s gud bt who mind all these pts when they r trapped!!!
ReplyDeletehey, i think i can keep arguing for 20 hrs on this with u.....lolz
ReplyDeleteI completely vote 4 Divya..All her definitions are 200% true..Nd..I wonder if anybody can give such a definition 4 all dos she has given..
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletewould take an agnostic stand on this one. there are people whom i know who got committed at 13 married and lived happily ever after and there have been a full blown arranged marriage that went terribly bad. your maturity does not grow with age. it is a trait that hits upon some while they are 10 and some when they are 40. commitments are good as long as there has been a good thought put into it. infatuations are normal its those hormones playing tricks. and what exactly is wrong with western style dating?
ReplyDelete@Kausik: How many, do you think,are mature at 13? Were you? Look at the figures. You can vote at 18. You are eligible to other major entities at 21. Which proves why the avg maturity is around the mid-twenties.
ReplyDelete& why exactly do you want to follow the Western Dating Culture? Because there are no restrictions? Because it makes you get around with any girl(Chick) you want? To make every kid take a test on to find who's the dad? Why do you want to adopt to something that spoils things? You don't want your son or daughter to spend their life alone without knowing their cousins, do you?
Will you be comfortable with your spouse to have had a relationship in the past? Even though you might say a "YES" portraying broad-mindedness, but deep down inside, you will definitely NOT, because that's part of True Love.
If you want the concept of "Families" to co-exist with "Trust" as the keyword, you would not opt that one. Look at your mum n dad. Things are nice n fine, coz they are from a time when there was NO such crap as "Dating".
@Divya,
ReplyDeleteWe should not be talking averages. averages stereotypes people. thats bad. every guy has his choice now may be every one in a thousand 13 year olds would have been mature enough.that one in a 1000 should be given his free choice.
There is always this premonition that western culture is bad. question is what exactly is bad. and how do you judge what is bad. if its based on our ancient culture and heritage. then its absolutely a wrong thing to do.
think about it the only reason why india has been having a continued heritage is becuase all along through out history it was progressive. it used to assimilate the ideals of every culture it came across. right from the aryan invasion to the mugal empire. all along it has been open minded and accepting. sadly the current generation is not. we are acting up as stone headed retards who cannot accept other culture. think back.
the western dating culture is NOT a shortcut to a one night stand. dont look at the movies. thats NOT what the west really is.
Will you be comfortable with your spouse to have had a relationship in the past?
Absolutely!
because that's part of True Love
on the contrary that is the biggest sign of it. true love if you look at it is not about being possessive. and its in NO WAY related to chastity.
Its sad that we all have succumbed to the lot of political stunts that the state has been seeing for decades now. words such as chastity, culture and heritage have all been put into our head as a strong deterrent rather than a means to cherish our past and think about the future.
Now for the biggest surprise do you know that Live in relationships is the traditional practice, in some small pockets of the country, particularly in parts of North East and tribal areas? now how do you answer that?
@Kausik: 'how do you judge what is bad?..'
ReplyDeleteSomething is said to be 'bad', if its consequences are found to be destructing the future. & everyone are not 'Kausik' to NOT be possessive.It's Human Nature.
'premonition that western culture is bad..'
Perfectly said.'A premonition'. Look at the current "ideal" Western situation.No wonder Psychiatrists mint money. You can find kids having 3 mum & 2 dad & tests that confirm who's the dad. Do you want to welcome 'Chaos' to the party?If we are to agree with the Dating Culture, then what are the Rules you would play with?
&U want to be like those tribes to have a live in relationships? What is the problem with atleast a normal Love Marriage?
As for the Political stunt part for chastity...it is at the good reason..So, never mind...
i am basically damn right and conservative. but then in this regard i stick to my stand.
ReplyDeletedating != evil
everyone are not 'Kausik' to NOT be possessive.It's Human Nature.
i am damn possessive. but i am possessive about the present and the future.retrospecting possessiveness into the past of your gf/bf is plain right stupidness. people make mistakes. they come to realize it and come over it. we should accept their mistakes forgive them for it and MOVE ON.
You can find kids having 3 mum & 2 dad & tests that confirm who's the dad.
Blame that on the shallowness of the relationship than the relationship itself.
Dating Culture, then what are the Rules you would play with?
If the guy in the next table is with a girl then just leave him alone. and dont come to conclusions on how teenagers in particular and society in general, is degrading.
&U want to be like those tribes to have a live in relationships? What is the problem with atleast a normal Love Marriage?
Nothing at all. was just pointing out that the extreme was not taboo, but common place in parts of our country.
As for the Political stunt part for chastity...it is at the good reason..So, never mind...
lets not even start talking about that.
I am afraid we will keep going on and on without coming to a consensus on this one. i rest my case saying that the greatest harm that could happen to us is one that we do on to ourselves. We should stop blaming the society and system and rather look at the induvidual involved.
dont want to start a troll here :)
wait a sec. just realized. what is a "date" to you?
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, a date is a name polished to flirt around. Its actual meaning may be different, but that's how the word has been used now!
ReplyDeleteIt almost seems to me like this conversation is over. But I just wanted to chip in.
ReplyDeleteBlog owner: All your points seem to be highly influenced by bad relationships. No offense, but really. All your descriptions of the words love, crush, vibrations, etc, depict what sort of a picture you have in mind. I know everyone is entitled to have an opinion and this is your opinion. Your opinion is that people who commit themselves early are doing a mistake, which is probably influenced by a few examples you've been told or a few that you saw. But really doesn't mean ALL relationships committed to early are infatuated or just due to sexual attraction.
And coming to your point: How many arranged marriages, done looking at the family status, compatibility, and such things have gone awry? Why are there so many divorces even in arranged marriages?
All I'm trying to say is that, relationships end up kaput only due to the nature of the persons involved and not due to the actual "relationship" (getting committed early). Rightly pointed by the other commenter - Kaushik.
Although your ideas have been shaped this way towards love at an young age this way, its prolly good for you in a way that you're clear about what you want.
All I'm saying is, don't judge people for what they do.